Everyone Was Happy and Nobody Died
by bandits pesty uncle
Summary: Collection of short ideas for the show that I come across. Will be exploring different ships because I just can't pick one. I literally cannot pick one.
1. Chapter 1

_Prompt 1: _Pick a platonic relationship you wish had gone differently in the book.

_Answer: _John and Jennifer. I kind of wish they had a better understanding of each other. I don't ship Jennifer and Dave but I understand her fear for the unknown and wanting to go back to a normal life.

"I've got to go to the bathroom."

Out of all of the shit John and Jen had heard in the past year that sentence was always the most dreaded. It wasn't that Jen hated John—though she always thought he was annoying—she just hated how he always went out of his way to bring up shit she specifically asked him not to. No matter how many times Dave told him to stop he just didn't get it…at least that's what Dave said but Jen knew John understood and did what he wanted any way. He was selfish and rude and just an all around asshole. She wanted to force Dave to stop hanging out with him butt hat was impossible. They were best friends. Unfortunately.

"Crhm…nice night we're having."

Jen turned her head slightly to glance at John who was totally focused on his beer. She rolled her eyes away and to the stars, "Yeah, it's great."

"Except for the screaming bloody guy that's been trying to get your attention for the last hour."

Fuck.

Jen shoved her eyes shut as the screaming suddenly became clear. It wasn't that she hadn't noticed it—she heard him and briefly saw a flash of him when she walked out to the backyard—but she managed to use all her force to ignore him until that exact second. Her hands came up to cover her ears as the screams became deafening and she prayed for Dave to come back but she knew he was taking a crap he had been farting out all day.

"STOP! STOP! FUCKING STOP!"

The screams came to a halt at the end of her order and all that was left was her own whimpering as she hunched over and tried to protect herself from the evil in the world. John sighed as if to scold her and then he really did, "I don't know why you ignore them like that. You know you can see it and they know you can see them. They see you and they run to you and hope you will just look at them, why don't you?"

"Shut the fuck up," she hissed as she jerked her head in his direction, "You are such an asshole. I _hate_ you."

"Because I'm telling you the truth?" John scoffed.

"Because you know I'm afraid."

Real tears formed and real tears were leaking out of the girl that had worked so hard to build up the appearance of being the strongest, most confident woman around and she had done such a good job that even John didn't know about the weakness inside. He looked down at his beer as he shook his head, "I'm sorry. I just…I just thought you…I thought you just wanted to go back to the normal perfect life you had before. I thought you wanted to forget what we went through and forget what happened because…because you were lazy or something. I…I really wouldn't have been such an asshole if I knew you were afraid."

Jen was still crying but she lifted her head to look at him to see if he was telling the truth…and she knew he was. She could see he felt guilty and she could see he had the look of a person desperately wanting to go back in time to change what he had done. That was enough for her. She opened her mouth to speak, "It's ok-"

"What the fuck?"

Dave stood behind them with his eyes pointed at John and his arms spread as if to motion to the entire scene before him. Jen stood straight as she wiped her eyes and shook her head, "It's okay. John was just helping me with some weird shit. Everything's okay now."

John looked to her as if to see if she meant what she said and a little smile came over his face when she gave him a wink. Dave took his seat between them and gave them both a quick and weary look before sighing, "Alright, what were we talking about before?"

"Your big hairy balls."

"Jo-"

"Well, that's what me and Jen were talking ab-"

"Shut the fu-"

"He's telling the truth."

"Not you too."

"A-Ha!"


	2. Chapter 2

_Prompt 2: _Pick one of your OTPs and imagine_ A_ teaching _B _how to use the internet.

_Answer: _Amy and John. I can definitely see Amy teaching John how to delete his browser history and then getting really weirded out by his search history but still giving him advice like instead of Internet Explorer he should use Google Chrome.

The thing Amy loved about her brother Jim most was how usually transparent he was and the beautifully random times he was allowed himself to be profound. One of those moments played over in her mind as she walked down the hallway heading toward John's apartment. She heard some weird noises from the basement and wanted to go down and check but there Jim was. When she asked about it he answered simply, "There's a lot we don't want to know about the people we love." After that he laughed and said he was making some props and then bought her pizza.

It was that exact quote that was flittering through her mind because she was on her cowardly way to help John—the only person she has had contact with since Jim's passing and the guy she had a major crush on—with some computer troubles. She knew it was stupid. She had made a (not so serious) vow never to help anyone with internet related things because they either complained when she couldn't do anything or got all pissy when she found some hidden files she didn't mean to uncover. It wasn't like she wanted to see anyone's porn-stash anyway.

John's door opened before she even had to knock and there he was, so tall and wearing a sleeveless shirt with his muscles and his face, with that stupid smile and his super excitement because of her presence, "Yes! Amy! I'm so happy to see you! Yes! Come i- FORRESTER, YOU GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE. LAST TIME I LET YOU IN YOU BROKE MY XBOX. YOU ARE DEAD AND WE CAN'T HANG OUT ANYMORE. GO HOME. Sorry about that, Amy-cakes. Am-adillo. Am-"

"Hi, John."

She shook her head slightly as she walked past him and into the actual apartment. It was always like that with John, at least when he convinced her to go outside to get stuff light bulbs with him. He had told her the story about what happened with Jim and Vegas and the Soy Sauce a few times so she knew about his not so hidden talents. What she didn't know was why he had so many speakers and gaming devices in his living room. She wondered how much time he had in the day to play all the video games he had stacked in a pile by the flat screen when it seemed to her he spent most of his time checking in to make sure she was okay.

"So, where's the lap t-"

"Whoa, don't step there."

Fudge. John's hand wrapped gently around Amy's left wrist as he pulled her off of her aimless course toward the couch and again into her stumbling and fumbling crush on him. Since the first time she had seen him she thought he was extremely attractive with how tall and muscular and all around goofy he was. He reminded her of Jim with how transparent he was and how naturally kind he seemed to be but that wasn't what drew her in. The arrow that struck her heart was the one time she was about to fall and he grabbed both of her wrists to steady her and didn't freak out about touching her stump. He didn't even wince or make any slight movement that indicated he was grossed out at all and it wasn't a onetime thing either. He did it often and it made her feel…like she didn't have to be embarrassed of having it.

"There's this wig monster guy that likes to visit me sometimes and he doesn't like to be stepped on," he made a face as if he had found that out the hard way and Amy couldn't help but to nod with uncontrolled heart eyes.

"Okay…" was all she could manage to let out before looking at the spot she had almost stepped in as if the monster would suddenly appear, "So. Where's the computer?"

"Oh, yeah," he smiled, letting go of her, "Right over here."

He began walking toward the couch and she hesitantly followed, wondering if she would possibly trip over the thing or if that would even matter. On the big and old couch John plopped down and she watched the laptop go flying up until he caught it and placed it over his legs. Amy always found it nerve-wracking to sit beside him because he always found a way to have their arms touch somehow and that made her very nervous because she liked it so much.

"It's just running really slow and doing weird things and basically it's broken," John huffed as he opened the lid.

Immediately the screen popped open which meant that he never turned the thing off so the battery was probably fried, "Alright, let me see what I can do. It's probably really simple. What do you use to…oh…Internet Explorer?"

"Yeah," John smiled with confidence, "I don't want to brag but I do a lot of exploring."

A small giggle left her mouth that she quickly ended with a shut of her mouth. That wasn't even on the list of funny things he has said. She really had to get a grip. She swallowed as she nodded, "Okay. Once I figure out what the deal is we should probably upgrade you to a faster program. I use Google Chrome but Firefox is also good."

"Fire fox?" John spun his head around to look toward the door as his arm came up to rest behind Amy, "I swear there was one of those running around here two months ago. Maybe he was trying to tell me something."

Like how to make my heart explode, Amy thought as she lowered her face to hide the blush that was steadily taking over. She clicked on the ungodly "E" and listened to the roar of a computer waking up from thousands of years in a crypt. She quickly turned her gaze up to John who quickly turned his gaze down to the computer, "It sounds really messed up."

"Yeah, totally," he nodded. Was that a blush?

No. Of course not. Her eyes returned to the screen and she quickly went to the Internet history and nearly shuddered. It was exactly what she thought. The thing went on indefinitely and definitely included the shadiest sights she had ever heard of. She assumed they were for porn but with John it could be anything, "I think this is the problem. It's usually a good idea to delete your browser history every now and then. Keeping it all like this will just have junk taking up your memory and slowing everything down."

"Yes, yes. Mhm," he nodded as he watched her looking through everything. She found it amazing that he wasn't freaking out about her going through his web searches and found it equally cool that he was so calm about it all. Any other person would have been tugging the thing away from her…but not John.

"I'll get rid of all this and then run some diagno-"

Her heart nearly dropped out of her mouth as she came across a single search that spelled out in bold capitol letters from three months ago "AMY SULLIVAN I LOVE YOU." There is a lot we don't want to know about the people we love but finding out they love you too is not one of them. What was even more incredible was that a week before there was an accumulation of searches reading, "Why is my computer slow?" "Why is my laptop making noice?" "Noice vs Noise." "Is noice a real word?" "Why is my laptop making noise?" "What is browser history and how do I delete it?"

He had known how to fix the thing three months ago and he stilled invited her over so she could find that little note. Suddenly all of his actions became very clear. All his times hanging out around her house, inviting her out for light bulbs, asking her questions about things he obviously didn't know or care about. She wanted to crumble in on herself.

"So…"

Oh right…she had to say something. But what could she say? Her eyes lifted to him as she quickly spat out, "Yeah. I'll take care of it. Really easy to fix."

Oh no. She had an urge to call Webster's because they needed a new definition of "disappointed" and it was John's face. He swallowed hard and looked away, "Great."

Shit, shit, shit, shit. She had to think of something. She had to do ANYTHING.

"I'm gonna go get a be-"

Right there in that sentence Amy leaned up and pressed her mouth to John's to interrupt his sad statement and she did not regret it at all. John, as she had imagined, had incredibly gentle lips that made her feel like she was kissing a cloud. He was warm too and gave her all these incredible feelings of "right" that she had been without for years. For the first time, in a long time, she felt like she was exactly where she was supposed to be. And she did not plan on stopping her kiss for one second.


	3. Chapter 3

_Prompt 3: _Your favorite pair is caught in a life or death situation where one is fatally wounded and this is their last conversation. Release the feels.

_Answer:_ This is hard because I don't want any of these precious babies to die but I'm going to pick Dave and John. This is heavily based off of an episode of Psych and John the one that's dying. John has just been attacked by the Zulu assholes and though Dave was able to get him out of that situation he didn't get him out in time.

"Is it bad? Is it bad? Oh, God, it's fucking bad."

"No, no, just look at me. Okay, John? Just look at me."

David wasn't lying. It wasn't bad. It was fucking terrible. What had been aired on the news, that girl and her guts falling out of her stomach, was nothing compared to the state John was in. He looked like he had been shoved through a meat grinder.

The flashlight in Dave's hand bobbed around like a fucking torched bat because he was split between trying to salvage what was left of his best friend and the fact that if he got one more look at blood he would die with him. Fuck. Life was too shitty not to have a word for the light draining misery that came from watching the only thing keeping you alive die.

"You're lying, I can see you're lying! You're doing that squint thing. You look like a caveman…I'm dying. I'm dying," John's head lulled from side to side as if that was the only thing he clung onto, the fact that he could still move his neck.

"Shut up, John! I'm trying to..figure out a way out of this fucking place, okay?" Dave spat out far harsher than he intended. The truth was he was trying to figure out how to make the last how ever long his best friend had on Earth mean anything and he was already fucking that up. Shit. He should have been there.

John had only cried three times in front of Dave and each time it amazed him more and more how beautiful he could look while doing it. Words caked in blood, body slashed to ribbons, John didn't deserve to die, "I know you're lying…just tell me. Okay? Just…just give it to me straight."

"Alright," Dave took in a deep breath, focusing the light only on the innocence draining way in John's eyes, "You are…the ugliest piece of shit I've ever seen."

That got a sharp, painful laugh from John that became serious way too fast, "It wasn't your fault, Dave. I was the asshole that didn't listen to you. I went out there when I should ha-"

"Stop."

He couldn't do it any longer. Dave wasn't the hero. Dave couldn't be brave in the face of his own destruction. Ugly man tears came out of him that fell down his cheeks and rolled off of John's cheekbones. He couldn't do it anymore.

In all honesty Dave wanted to kill John himself because he had ONE FUCKING THING TO DO. FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND HE HAD TO JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND NOT BE THE HERO. ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS LISTEN TO HIM. FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND. HE TOLD HIM IT WASN'T A REAL KID. HE TOLD HIM EVEN IF IT WAS THE SPIDERS DIDN'T GO AFTER CHILDREN AND SHE WOULD BE FINE. HE FUCKING TOLD HIM IT WAS A LIE. FUUUUCK. And even still with all his rage he knew he couldn't say a fucking thing. In the face of his dying friend how could he think of that? What kind of person did that?

"You're not a monster," John whispered and fuck if that didn't make Dave cry more.

Dave swallowed hard as he shook his head, "But I am."

"No, yo-"

"Stop," Dave was nearly breathless as he shook his head, his hand reaching over to wipe away the blood smears from his John's face, "I am. Only a monster would wait until now to tell you how I feel about you."

It was impossible to continue. He swore he couldn't let out another word as he gazed up at the darkness around them. But John's voice broke the atmosphere in the only way that he could. Desperately dying and still with a smile and hope in his eyes he ordered, "David…tell me."

"Okay," he nodded once as he shut his eyes, his hands clinging onto John's body as he spoke, "I know it's stupid but my excuse for waiting so long is the prize in cereal boxes. You know those prizes you get? At the bottom? I always thought there are three types of people. There are the ones that open up the bottom and grab the prize. There are the ones that bowl after bowl wait until they finish the box and get to the end. Then there are the ones that eat everything…the cereal, the prize, and the bowl. Well, I always waited. Every time we were alone and…fucking wasted. I always felt the urge to tell you and then I would get scared…fucking terrified and my excuse was that if I waited just a little bit longer the right moment would fall out of the fucking sky and show itself to me. And it fucking didn't…because I was a coward. The truth is I always loved you but I didn't know what that meant until the night you drove drunk and fell asleep in the Drive-Thru. I thought of all the terrible things that could happen and I thought of losing you and I thought of why that really pissed me off so much…and I realized it was because I'm in love with you. Fuck. Fuck! I love you and your massive cock and your fucking beautiful way of thinking and your humor and your…way of dragging me out of my depressions when I know no one else can…Who's gonna do that now, John?"

Dave opened his eyes for a second and immediately his body seized as it grasped John's corpse and held him against his chest as tight as he possibly could.

"Who's gonna do that now?"


End file.
